Hello Friends and Fellow Deviants,
I come to you in need of assistance. I feel really guilty to come to you all like this but desperate times come for desperate measures...
Given that not all of you are on my Facebook, or are recent adds, you may not know but I suffer from moderate to severe anxiety and depression. I have dealt with it for roughly 15 years, only worsening over the last 8 years. No I do not take anti-depressants - there are reasons for this and if curious you can note me, no I am not in therapy - the closest thing to therapy I have is roleplaying and talking with my most treasured person(outside of family), and no I cannot go into details here in my journal - again, if curious then note me. With my depression, I am emotionally numb, I feel nothing though I can express myself quite well.
Because of my both the levels of my anxiety and depression, finding work in close to impossible. I can't work in stressful environments because when I get overwhelmed my depression shoots to severe and suicidal thoughts run rampant and the temptation to cause self-harm increases. I do have an on-call job babysitting for my friend, getting $20 a day, but the days are scarce(though appreciated when I am needed). I have a Visa which is almost completely maxed out because I had paid for my mother's birthday trip to Disnyeland - I'm not complaining! I'm happy I could do it for her. Now, as mentioned above, I do have a form of therapy. It does seem a little silly but that's what helps me. Think about this: talking to my soul mate gives me some relief and causes me to feel better about myself, even if it's just temporary. Imagine the improvement in me when we meet and interact face-to-face. Doesn't that give you some hope for me? I know I feel rather hopeful. I believe that meeting with them is what I need to allow myself to break free from my emotional numbness and finally have a chance to feel happy. This soul mate is very special to me*. The way I connect with my soul mate is something I had never had before. Never. We are connected and we haven't even met yet! I find myself worrying about them, hoping that they are safe because they have such a sweet and sensitive heart. My anxiety builds up when they are stressed. I want to hide from the face of existence when they are depressed. I smile frequently when they feel happy. My teeth grind together when they feel angry. To add to this: I would feel empty, soul less even if I lost them... Hell, I don't think I could go on living - that's how strong our bond is. That's how TRUE our soul mate connection is. Is that even normal?
*Please dear friends, don't think that you are any less important, you aren't. I love you all and want nothing but the best for everyone of you.
With all that said, I am asking to see if you guys could donate, or at the very least spread the word. You see, I am attracted to this person and I won't know the depths or level of attraction(if it's romantic or a very powerful friendship) til I am able to see them. The dates I'd like to go are from January of next year, since I cannot be there for their birthday. The price to go(17 to 22) is roughly $700(though my goal will be $750 so that if the airfare changes, and I have to pay last minute, I have that little extra on my card to cover the shift in airfare price). This doesn't account for spending money, however. You will not be alone in this because I pay back, after budgeting it out, $75 per month back to my Visa(I started last month), and in October I can pay an extra $75($150 that month) to my Visa. However, the sooner I can pay off enough money on my Visa to go, the sooner the trip is paid for, and the sooner my trip is assured. I would appreciate any and all donations that can be given, no matter what the amount, every dollar gets me closer to my goal. Those that donate can either note me on here or IM me on Facebook, you can remain anonymous OR I can add you here as a donor. Sadly, with my depression acting up, I can't promise any art or anything. I feel like a piece of shit coming to you guys like this and asking such a thing. It's just... This is my last chance. This is my only hope.
$350 - My mother(she's paying me back for the $1200 Disneyland trip - when her finances allow)